One of the things I’ve noticed comes up time and time again in coaching is something we all do.
Mind reading.
Not in the psychic sense or with a crystal ball, obviously, but in the way we convince ourselves we know exactly what someone else is thinking.
It’s surprisingly common.
Someone doesn’t reply to an email.
They look a bit distracted in a meeting.
They don’t smile when they pass us in the corridor.
They ask us a challenging question.
And straight away, our brains start filling in the gaps.
“They’re annoyed with me.”
“They think I did a bad job.”
“I’ve upset them.”
“They don’t value my opinion.”
“I can’t possibly bring that issue up because they’ll react badly.”
The interesting thing is that, most of the time, we have absolutely no evidence that any of those things are true.
We’ve simply created a story in our own minds.
The stories become our reality
I’ve seen this throughout my career – in nursing, leadership and now increasingly in coaching.
What I find fascinating isn’t that we tell ourselves these stories.
It’s what happens next.
We start behaving as though they’re true.
We avoid conversations.
We stop asking for feedback.
We don’t apply for opportunities.
We become more guarded in relationships.
We decide someone is difficult to work with before we’ve really explored whether that’s actually the case.
Sometimes we even stop collaborating altogether because we’ve convinced ourselves we already know how the other person will respond.
It’s amazing how quickly assumptions can become barriers.
“I don’t like conflict”
One phrase I hear quite a lot is:
“I don’t like conflict.”
Like really, does anyone truly? I’m not convinced many people genuinely do.
I’m not sure many people end their day thinking, “That argument was so good. I really enjoyed that.”
I reckon most of us would much rather have peaceful, constructive relationships.
So perhaps it isn’t conflict that we’re avoiding.
Perhaps we’re avoiding what we imagine the conflict will feel like.
Here comes the mind reading again.
“They’ll get defensive.”
“They’ll be angry.”
“They won’t understand.”
“They’ll think less of me.”
And because we’ve already decided how the conversation is going to end, we never give it the chance to begin.
Checking the story
I’ve become much better at noticing myself doing this.
It still happens.
I’ll occasionally find myself thinking, “They seems a bit different with me,” or, “Have I done something wrong?”
Years ago, I probably would’ve carried that around for days.
These days, I’ll usually ask.
I’ll suggest having a chat.
I’ll explain what I’ve noticed.
Sometimes I’m completely wrong.
Sometimes there is something we need to work through.
Either way, I would much rather replace assumptions with understanding.
Those conversations have almost always strengthened relationships rather than damaged them.
Coaching ourselves
A part of coaching I’ve really enjoyed developing is cognitive behavioural coaching.
One of the models I regularly use is the ABCDE framework.
We start with the activating event.
What actually happened? What was the trigger?
Then we explore the beliefs that followed.
Not the facts.
The story we’ve created.
We then look at the consequences of holding onto those beliefs.
How are they influencing our behaviour?
What opportunities are they preventing?
Which relationships are they affecting?
Only then do we begin to challenge those beliefs.
What evidence do we actually have?
Are there alternative explanations?
Is this belief helping us move forward?
Or is it simply keeping us stuck?
Finally, we replace that belief with something that’s more balanced and more helpful.
There’s been many a time when people have started a coaching conversation by saying, “I know this sounds ridiculous…”
More often than not, it doesn’t.
It simply sounds human.
My role isn’t to judge the story they’ve been telling themselves or to tell them they’re wrong. It’s to create a space where we can explore it together, understand where it came from and consider whether it’s helping them move forward. If it isn’t, we work together to find a way of thinking that’s more balanced, more constructive and ultimately more helpful.
What I love about this process is that people often reach the conclusion themselves. Simply saying the words out loud creates enough distance for them to recognise that the story they’ve been telling themselves might not be the only version of events.
Becoming your own coach
One of the unexpected things coaching has given me is the ability to coach myself.
Not perfectly – I still catch myself mind reading from time to time – but much more quickly than I used to.
Now, when I notice myself becoming triggered by something, I’ll often stop and ask myself a few questions.
What actually happened?
What assumptions am I making?
What evidence do I have?
Is this helping me?
Is there another explanation that could be equally true?
That little pause often changes everything.
We rarely know what someone else is thinking
The older I get, the more I realise how much unnecessary energy we waste trying to guess what’s going on in other people’s minds.
Sometimes we’re right.
Often we’re not.
But either way, assumptions rarely strengthen relationships.
Curiosity does.
Honest conversations do.
Checking in does.
So the next time you find yourself convinced you know what someone else is thinking…
Just take a minute.
You might just be reading a story that only exists in your own mind.
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