Tag: curiosity

There’s something I’ve noticed repeatedly over more than two decades of working in teams, leadership, mentoring and coaching.

And I find it quite fascinating, if not sometimes quite frustrating…

How many problems in workplaces could be resolved through some really basic communication?

I’m not talking about the big, difficult conversations. The ones where there’s conflict, disagreement or something uncomfortable that needs to be addressed.

I’ve written before about how we often avoid those conversations because we’re worried about how somebody might respond, or because we’ve already created a story in our heads about what the other person is thinking.

But I’m talking about something way more basic than that.

The everyday conversations that, for some reason, we just don’t have.

Things like:

I don’t really know what they do.

I’m not sure how they’d feel about that.

I don’t know whether that’s something they’d want to be involved in.

I’m not sure what they’re expecting from me.

I don’t know why they’ve done it that way.

And I often find myself thinking…

When did we stop just asking people things?

The conversations that never happen

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard somebody say something along those lines.

And often, my response is pretty simple:

How could you find that out?

There’s usually a bit of a pause.

And then:

Well, I suppose I could ask them.

Exactly!

Not in like a ‘gotcha’ kind of way, but it’s such a simple answer that I sometimes wonder why we need to have the conversation in the first place.

But we do.

And I think that’s worth exploring.

Because somewhere along the way, we’ve developed this strange habit of trying to work people out without actually talking to them.

We make assumptions about what they want.

We interpret their behaviour.

We speculate about their motivations.

We ask other people what they think.

We spend time discussing something that could probably be resolved with one straightforward question to the person concerned.

And sometimes those unanswered questions sit there for weeks or months.

They become frustrations.

Misunderstandings.

Resentment.

Things that eventually need a much bigger conversation than they ever should have required.

It’s not always about conflict

I think this is an important distinction.

When we talk about communication problems in organisations, we often focus on difficult conversations.

And rightly so. Being able to address disagreement, challenge behaviour and give honest feedback is an important part of working well together.

But not every conversation we’re avoiding is difficult.

Sometimes it’s just asking someone what they think.

Or what they need.

Or what they’re working on.

Or whether they’d like to be involved in something.

There doesn’t need to be a disagreement.

There doesn’t need to be a problem.

There doesn’t even need to be anything particularly sensitive about it.

And yet we still hesitate.

I’ve seen this happen across all levels of organisations.

Between colleagues.

Between teams.

Between managers and staff.

Between senior leaders.

It’s not always about hierarchy or power, although of course those things can make a difference.

Sometimes we just seem to have developed a habit of guessing rather than asking.

And I wonder how much time and energy that costs us.

What are we actually worried about?

I think there are probably lots of reasons why we do this.

Maybe we don’t want to look like we don’t know something.

Maybe we think we should already know the answer.

Maybe we’re worried about bothering somebody.

Maybe we assume the other person is too busy.

Maybe we don’t want to appear intrusive.

Or maybe we’ve just got used to working in environments where people don’t ask each other very many questions.

I also wonder whether we’ve started to associate asking questions with not being competent.

As though we’re supposed to have worked everything out for ourselves.

But I think there’s a real difference between being capable of independent thinking and making unnecessary assumptions about other people.

You can be perfectly capable of doing your job and still need to ask somebody a question.

In fact, I’d argue that knowing when to ask is part of doing your job well.

Curiosity is such an underrated skill

The more I work with people, the more I believe that curiosity is one of the most valuable things we can bring to our working relationships.

And I don’t mean curiosity in some grand, intellectual sense.

I mean being genuinely interested in understanding the people around us.

What do they think?

What matters to them?

How do they see the situation?

What are they trying to achieve?

What would be helpful?

What are we missing?

We don’t have to agree with the answers.

We don’t have to act on every suggestion.

And asking somebody what they think doesn’t mean handing over responsibility for a decision.

But surely it’s better to know than to spend our time guessing?

Sometimes I think we make communication far more complicated than it needs to be.

We look for elaborate ways to improve collaboration, strengthen relationships and address misunderstandings.

And those things can absolutely be useful.

But I wonder how often we overlook the most basic starting point.

Have we actually spoken to each other?

The culture we create around communication

I also think this says something important about organisational culture.

Because good communication isn’t just about having the right systems.

You can have regular team meetings, one-to-ones, staff surveys, newsletters, communication strategies and every digital platform imaginable.

But none of those things automatically creates a culture where people feel comfortable asking straightforward questions.

And sometimes having so many ways to communicate makes things more complicated rather than less.

For me, good communication is about something much more fundamental.

It’s about creating an environment where people feel able to be honest.

Where asking for clarification isn’t seen as a weakness.

Where people don’t feel embarrassed to say they don’t understand something.

Where colleagues can approach each other directly rather than going through three other people first.

Where curiosity is encouraged rather than interpreted as criticism.

And where people don’t have to spend their working lives trying to read between the lines.

As leaders, I think we have a particular responsibility to model that.

Are we clear about what we’re asking people to do?

Do we invite questions?

Do we respond well when somebody challenges our thinking or asks us to explain something?

Do we make assumptions about what our colleagues want, or do we actually ask them?

Because if we want open communication, we need to demonstrate what that looks like.

Not just encourage other people to do it.

What coaching has highlighted for me about asking

This is one of the things I find interesting about coaching.

So often, somebody comes into a coaching conversation with something they’ve been thinking about for quite a while.

They might be frustrated with a colleague.

Unsure about somebody’s expectations.

Trying to work out how another person might respond to something.

Or spending a lot of time thinking about a situation where they don’t have all the information.

And rather than trying to solve it for them, I’ll ask a question.

What do you actually know about what they’re thinking?

What are you assuming?

How might you find out?

And sometimes the answer is incredibly simple.

I could just ask them.

I love those moments.

Not because I’ve done anything particularly clever or as I said before, tried to catch them out.

But because it’s a reminder of how useful it can be to have the space to stop and think.

The answer was often there all along.

They didn’t need somebody to tell them what to do.

They needed an opportunity to look at the situation differently.

And I think that’s one of the reasons coaching has had such an influence on how I approach conversations more generally.

It’s made me much more conscious of the value of asking rather than assuming.

Of listening rather than immediately responding.

Of being curious rather than trying to work everything out myself.

I think those skills have enormous value well beyond formal coaching conversations.

Imagine how different some of our workplaces might feel if we brought more of that approach into our everyday interactions.

How much are we making up?

I’ve written before about the stories we tell ourselves.

The assumptions we make about what other people are thinking, what they might say or how they might respond.

And I think there’s a connection here.

Because when we don’t ask, we leave gaps.

And our brains are really good at filling those gaps with stories.

Sometimes those stories are accurate.

Often they’re not.

And the longer we leave them unchallenged, the more convincing they can become.

What starts as I’m not sure what they think about this can gradually become I don’t think they’d be supportive.

And before we know it, we’re making decisions based on something we’ve never actually checked.

That’s quite a significant problem.

Particularly when those decisions affect other people.

Try asking

There’s a simple challenge we could all set ourselves this week. I’ll do it too because I’m a big fan of reflective practice.

Notice the moments when you find yourself saying:

I don’t know what they think.

I’m not sure what they want.

I wonder why they’ve done that.

I don’t know whether they’d agree.

And before you spend too much time trying to work it out, ask yourself:

Could I just ask them?

And if the answer is yes, notice what happens next.

Do you ask?

Or do you find a reason not to?

If you hesitate, what is it that’s stopping you?

Are you worried about the answer?

Are you concerned about how you’ll be perceived?

Do you feel you should already know?

Or has it simply not occurred to you that asking was an option?

I think there’s something really valuable in becoming more aware of those moments.

Communication doesn’t always need to be complicated.

Sometimes improving a working relationship, resolving a misunderstanding or making a better decision starts with something as simple as asking a question.

And then, of course, being willing to listen to the answer.

If this resonated with you…

If you find yourself spending a lot of time second-guessing other people, navigating misunderstandings or wondering how to communicate more confidently and effectively, coaching can provide a useful space to explore what’s getting in the way.

It can also help you develop the curiosity, listening skills and confidence to approach conversations differently, both as a leader and in your wider working relationships.

If you’d like to explore that, you’re very welcome to join me for a complimentary chat.