I’ve been spending some time recently developing an emotions wheel to use in my coaching practice.
It’s got me thinking about something that comes up regularly in coaching conversations, but also in the many conversations I have with leaders, colleagues, family and friends.
How much of what we do is driven by how we’re feeling?
And how often do we actually stop to recognise that?
I think emotions have an enormous influence on how we lead, manage and interact with other people.
Frustration.
Anxiety.
Confidence.
Fear.
Excitement.
Anger.
Disappointment.
All of these emotions can influence the decisions we make, the conversations we have and the way we respond to situations.
But I don’t think we spend nearly enough time understanding them.
What if our emotions are trying to help us?
One of the things I really believe is that we need to start seeing our emotions as our friends.
That might sound a bit odd, particularly when we’re talking about emotions that don’t feel very pleasant.
But I think there’s something useful in recognising that emotions often show up for a reason.
They might be trying to alert us to something.
They might be trying to protect us.
They might be signalling that something matters to us, that a boundary has been crossed or that we’re worried about what might happen next.
For example, frustration might show up when we feel something isn’t fair, when our expectations haven’t been met or when we’re struggling to influence a situation.
Anxiety might show up when we’re facing uncertainty, worried about being judged or concerned about making a mistake.
Anger might be telling us that something important to us feels threatened.
And excitement might be signalling that we’re moving towards something that really matters.
Of course, emotions aren’t always accurate reflections of what’s happening around us.
But that doesn’t mean they’re not worth listening to.
Rather than immediately trying to get rid of an uncomfortable feeling, I think there’s value in asking:
Why is this emotion showing up for me right now?
And perhaps more importantly:
What is it trying to tell me?
We are not our emotions
This is something I’ve become more interested in through coaching.
The language we use when describing how we feel.
Think about the difference between saying:
I’m anxious.
And:
I’m feeling anxiety.
Or:
I’m angry.
And:
I’m feeling anger.
It might seem like a very small distinction.
But I think it’s an important one.
When we say I am anxious, it’s very easy to start identifying ourselves with that emotion.
As though it’s part of who we are.
Something fixed.
Something that defines us.
But when we say I’m feeling anxiety, we create a little bit of separation.
We recognise that anxiety is something we’re experiencing.
It’s not who we are.
And, importantly, it’s something that can change.
Our emotions are part of our experience, but they don’t have to become our identity.
That shift in language can be a really useful starting point for becoming more aware of how we’re feeling, without allowing the feeling to take over.
The space between feeling and responding
I think this is especially important in leadership.
Because emotions can show up very quickly.
Someone challenges a decision you’ve made.
You receive an email that frustrates you.
A colleague says something that catches you off guard.
You’re asked to do something you’re not comfortable with.
You feel criticised, overlooked or misunderstood.
And before you’ve really had time to think about it, you’re responding.
Maybe defensively.
Maybe by withdrawing.
Maybe by agreeing to something you don’t actually want to do.
Or maybe by saying something you later wish you’d approached differently.
I’ve certainly experienced those moments myself.
And I think one of the most useful things we can learn is that feeling an emotion doesn’t mean we have to act on it immediately.
We can notice it.
We can acknowledge it.
We can get curious about it.
And then we can decide what we want to do.
That little bit of space between the emotion and the response can make a huge difference.
Not because we’re trying to suppress how we feel.
But because we’re giving ourselves the opportunity to respond intentionally rather than react automatically.
What is this feeling protecting me from?
This is a question I find useful in coaching.
Sometimes an emotion that feels unhelpful is actually trying to protect us from something.
Take anxiety, for example.
Someone might be feeling anxious about having a difficult conversation with a colleague.
At first, they might describe themselves as somebody who isn’t confident with confrontation.
But when we explore that feeling a little further, we might discover that the anxiety is connected to a fear of damaging the relationship.
Or being disliked.
Or making the situation worse.
And suddenly we have something much more useful to work with.
The anxiety isn’t necessarily the problem.
It’s drawing attention to something the person cares about.
The question then becomes whether the response they’re considering is actually going to help them achieve what matters.
If avoiding the conversation protects them from discomfort in the short term but creates a bigger problem later, perhaps there’s another way forward.
And that’s where understanding the emotion becomes useful.
We don’t need to fight it.
We need to understand what it’s doing.
Moving away from good and bad emotions
I think we also need to challenge the way we categorise emotions.
We often describe happiness, excitement and confidence as positive emotions.
And anger, fear, sadness and anxiety as negative ones.
I understand why.
Some emotions feel much more comfortable than others.
But I don’t think it’s always helpful to see them as good or bad.
Anger can motivate us to challenge injustice.
Fear can alert us to a genuine risk.
Sadness can remind us of something or someone important.
And confidence, while often helpful, can sometimes lead us to overlook things we should be paying attention to.
So maybe the question isn’t whether an emotion is good or bad.
It’s whether we’re understanding it and responding to it in a helpful way.
An emotion can be uncomfortable and still contain useful information.
Equally, an emotion can feel great without necessarily leading us towards the best decision.
The emotion is information. What we do with it is a choice.
Becoming curious about our own emotions
This is part of the reason I’ve been developing an emotions wheel for my coaching practice.
An emotions wheel helps people move beyond simply saying they feel good, bad, stressed or frustrated.
It gives us a wider vocabulary to explore what we’re actually experiencing.
Because sometimes what we initially describe as frustration might be disappointment.
What we call anger might be fear.
What we describe as a lack of confidence might actually be uncertainty about a particular situation.
And the more accurately we can identify what we’re feeling, the more useful the conversation becomes.
In coaching, I might ask somebody to identify an emotion that’s showing up for them and then explore it a little further.
What is the reason it’s showing up now?
What might it be trying to protect you from?
What does it tell you about what matters to you?
And what would you like to do with that information?
I find these conversations fascinating.
Because very often, once somebody starts exploring what they’re feeling rather than just reacting to it, they begin to see more possibilities.
They realise that the emotion doesn’t have to make the decision for them.
They can.
What are we modelling as leaders?
There’s another important leadership dimension to this.
Our emotions don’t just affect us.
They affect the people around us.
If we’re constantly responding to frustration with irritation, people will notice.
If we become defensive whenever somebody challenges us, people may eventually stop challenging us.
If we allow our anxiety about a situation to create unnecessary urgency for everyone else, that has consequences too.
And equally, when we can acknowledge that something is frustrating or worrying without allowing it to dictate how we behave, we model something different.
We show that it’s possible to experience strong emotions and still respond thoughtfully.
That doesn’t mean leaders should hide their emotions.
Quite the opposite.
I think there’s real value in being open about how we’re feeling when it’s appropriate.
But there is a difference between being emotionally honest and allowing our emotions to control the environment around us.
We can say:
I’m feeling frustrated about how this has gone, and I’d like us to understand what’s happened.
Rather than allowing that frustration to turn into blame.
We can acknowledge uncertainty without creating panic.
We can recognise disappointment without directing it at other people.
And we can show that emotions are a normal part of working life, not something we need to be embarrassed about.
Notice what shows up
So here’s something I’d encourage you to try.
Over the next few days, notice the emotions that show up in your working life.
Especially the ones that make you want to respond immediately.
When you feel frustrated, anxious, defensive, excited or uncertain, see if you can pause for a moment.
Name the emotion.
Rather than I’m angry, try I’m noticing anger.
Rather than I’m anxious, try I’m feeling anxiety about this situation.
And then ask yourself:
Why might this emotion be showing up?
What is it trying to tell me?
Is it trying to protect me from something?
What do I actually want to happen next?
And what response would be most helpful?
You might be surprised by what you notice.
Because once we start recognising our emotions rather than just reacting to them, we give ourselves more choice.
And I think that’s a really important part of leading ourselves, before we even begin thinking about how we lead others.
If this resonated with you…
If you find that frustration, anxiety, self-doubt or other emotions are influencing how you approach decisions, relationships or challenging situations at work, coaching can provide a useful space to explore what’s happening.
Using tools such as an emotions wheel, we can begin to understand what those feelings might be telling you, recognise patterns in how you respond and develop ways of approaching situations with greater awareness and intention.
It’s not about getting rid of emotions.
It’s about learning to work with them rather than feeling controlled by them.
If you’d like to explore that as part of your own leadership development, you’re very welcome to join me for a no-obligation chat about it.
You can also find out more and sign up to my free, short course Managing with Intention.